Sgor Gaoith

An unexpectedly daunting solo 'experience'

Sgor Gaoith

Still working in Aviemore I had one small window left to nick another summit and chose Sgor Gaoith on the basis it was the shortest drive from my digs. Having cracked Ben Macdui and Cairngorm a few days previous I was in fine fettle. Passing Lagganlia Outdoor Centre added to my good spirits as I dug deep into the memory banks for my visit in Primary 7 (which would have been in 1988/89). My eldest son had just returned from his school trip to the same place too so the wistfulness and nostalgia were at full throttle.

At 3667ft, Sgor Gaoith is the highest point of a dramatic cliff edge overlooking Loch Einich. Approached from Glen Feshie it's a reasonably straightforward hillwalk.

'Looking inward is not a direction, it's a dimension'

I've heard this quote more than once and the more I do solo walks, the more it helps me make sense of what is very difficult to make sense of. It's a rare thing to have your thoughts entirely to yourself. I for one, always have a radio on, or a phone in hand or (the best of all) my family around me. I don't hit the hills to escape from this as I enjoy the topsy turvy general busyness that is my life. I haven't quite yet figured out what draws me to the hills either and in a way, I hope I never do - It's much more interesting looking for the reason than finding one.

In any case, I had now been away form home for 8 or 9 days and was missing my family, was on a full scale nostalgia trip having passed Lagganlia and was out on my own on a very quiet hill with no other walkers in sight (the car park was empty). All of this transpired to make it one of those'lost deep in thoughts' days.

Contrary to this being a bad thing it was rather uplifting and revolved around missing my family and generally ticking off all the innumerable things I was grateful for interspersed with stopping to admire wonderful views over The Cairngorms and enjoying the magnificent solitude. This positive mood was marginally dented by the stretch of this walk that is a grassy hillside of bog, muck and mire which is traversed after leaving the fine path that brings you up through the pinewoods. With melting snows taking their last bow for the year I would imagine this is a dry area in the summer months.

Ahead is the grassy slope that is traversed to the huge plateau

Those who have walked with me, such as my brother Liam, are well used to my inexplicable bouts of vertigo and general wobbly-legs on certain stretches of walks. I'm fine with heights but, like many walkers, can suffer jelly legs at certain moments. What occurred next however was similar but on a whole new level. I have since read up and researched a little bit on what I believe to be High Place Phenomenon.

I thought long and hard as to whether I would write about this. I'm now 6 weeks on and it still makes my legs go weak thinking about it and it's given my confidence to tackle certain walks a serious, serious dent but at the same time I'm hoping that it is one of those 'eureka' moments that helps make sense of what is quite an irrational fear.

At no point was I ever in any danger or ever felt like I was placing myself in danger. The closest I got to the cliff edge was about 25 feet! Somehow, my underlying vertigo and my heightened emotions (outlined already) combined in a very short burst of 30 seconds of panic that had no real basis or foundation but rather than moving away form a danger I genuinely felt like I was being pushed towards it! That's about the best way I can describe what is quite indescribable.

It was all rather peculiar!

In any case one thing it didn't do was stop me reaching the summit. Weak legged and still a bit shaky this summit is probably not the best to linger on as its situation is dramatic but linger I did enjoying a sit down, a bite to eat and a magnificent view. It took me a good while to convince myself to stay rather than leg it to the car!

On the return route I realised I was possibly suffering from mild shock - I was feeling dazed, shaken and had a fleeting thought that this would be my last hill. I was done and wouldn't return. It was a fleeting thought but it was there nonetheless and was for that moment, gut wrenching.

I stopped on the way back and tried to re-balance myself physically and emotionally and figured that if I simply hurried back to the car I probably wouldn't returned to a mountain.

I stayed for a very long time, taking in the far flung hills of the Cairngorms and the rolling Munros of the Monadhliath as well as the steep and dramatic drops now only (purposely) a few feet away.

I stayed for a very very long time and watched as the clouds drifted across the hillside and formed a twister that drew them up skywards. A rare and beautiful site.

I'm a month on from this experience and it's been on my mind every day since. How do I tackle 282 (including some fine ridge walks) if I get stage fright on a relatively benign (if dramatic) hillside? Why didn't this bother me on Glen Sheil or any other more precarious routes? Will it strike again?

I'll do what I've done since day one and on every walk I do I guess..... one step at a time.